That annoying feeling

So what does it mean now?
nothing has changed,
not the stars, not the colors,
not even the toads.

is it just me?
or just the the air around me,
even i doubt that,
i guess it was always there.

what has changed is just the moment,
with that just the flip of the grey cells,
and accompnaying them is, some always obeying something,
resonsible for this unassuming, yet arrogant smile.

I hate it,
but can’t escape it,
need it,
but can’t own it.


On Memory

We tend to be sad at loss of things.
What about memory?
Don’t we forget also?
How about memory’s pain,
it’s sadness,
it’s strive to remember,
it’s act of burial.


Is melancholy an act of memory weeping?
Weeping and keeping things to itself.

What is melancholy? a sense of sadness without any reason,
just like cold caressing wind on a dry summer night,
with the sky venting out it’s cry somewhere else.


The most faithful act memory can do is to keep a secret by forgetting it.


Isn’t memory the most faithful mistress ever,
always there, keeping together every shred of our existence.

but a casual whim and we could lose ourselves for ever.

may be schizophrenia is an act of euthanasia,
an act of memory, relieving us of it’s burden.

but then is memory a burden on us? or the other way round.

On Reason

I don’t know why people have a inherent distrust of Reason. Or a tendency to take it in conflict with emotions, feelings and experiences. Reason is what? A mental exercise or tool, or a certain way of dealing with anything that registers in our brain be it emotions, feelings, thoughts or anything else. And what it does? Tries to make sense or build a coherent reality. Yeah it has limitations. Limitations coming from the fact that it acts on facts, thoughts, emotions, feelings and experiences and these things in any case have too many a variables, and too many interrelations among those variables. And our mental faculties cannot register them all, and even whatever that may get registered may not be comprehensible, or comprehensible but conflicting to earlier perceptions. So in all reason may assist us but can never give us something compete in all sense.

Also reasoning about anything comes after these thoughts, emotions, and feelings. Yeah but prior reasoning may influence these processes. It was Kant who opposed Humes assertion that reason doesn’t influences experience. It does. A human life builds using reason, consciously as well as subconsciously, on these sensory experiences. Thats how a child, who’s blank while coming to life, grows. Had there been no subconscious process of reasoning( i.e judging, predicting, inferring, generalizing, comparing) a child would not have grown to be what we are now 25 years down the line.

An emotion or a feeling will always be more truer than any articulation of it, yeah but it may be then conflicting, confusing,  or frightening. A prior reason may influence this emotion or feeling in a positive or negative way and reason may again come into play after that emotion or feeling but in doesn’t rob you of it. Now this prior reason that influences people is what creates this distrust, but isn’t it our own fears and inhibitions at work here. And isn’t that a subconscious process. A child also shows that but he ain’t reasoning(consciously) anywhere anytime. So why blame conscious reasoning when its the subconscious way of human mind at work here.

We human are made in such a way that we keep on adding anything that comes our way. We keep on storing emotions, feelings, thoughts, experiences, views etc all along our life. Or simply put only two things, sensory perception and ideas of mind as Kant would have liked to put. Its a baggage  and it needs to present a coherent reality, things need to be in sync and reason’s just a tool.

One could say that we can still function effectively with a certain level of rationality. Yeah we can but isn’t that subjective now that you want to trust your leap of faith, am not denying it nor am leaving it just that am not leaving reason also and am not scared of it. Lets take homosexuality as an example. A century ago the concept of it was non existent. But what is it? Ain’t it bound by emotions and feelings? And these emotions and feelings are not felt the same way by all. So would you also see it with distrust as its something alien to your sensory percept? Doesn’t reason here save us all? Isn’t it by an act of reasoning that we understand and approve of it?

Its human tendency to simplify things. Our language is full of these simplifications. What is pain? What is love? Can these tiny four letter words do justice to everything that these words may try to mean? Can these words mean the same to any two persons? No. But we still use these words, fully aware of their limitations. Isn’t reason far better than that? Actually it looks, but it’s on the same level ground as language. A simple act of 2+2 looks so pure and amazing. Point two birds to a child and then another one joins then and you say 2+1 equals three and the child accepts it so very convincingly. Why? Because it’s simple. It’s reason but very simple. A human emotion or feeling is not that simple, so reason may not do justice to it all but then its not its fault, it’s just human condition. How simple and beautiful were Newtons laws, but then along came Einstein and they became complex. So can’t one say that Newton’s laws were actually approximations? And don’t they still stand useful to the same extent in our day to day lives.

Man is social being and as Language is medium of communication, reason can be viewed as a medium of aggrement. This thing called subjectivity at once makes it immensely difficult for any two beings to understand what the other means by anything. Language provides a medium of exchnage of thoughts but to still agree and understand one needs to bind these things with reason as every emotion or feeling by every second individual is different.

Some say reason is just a mean to an end. We use reason to justify what we anyways will do. But isn’t that touching a blind spot now? Attributing our decisions to subconcious mind and then saying reasoning is just an after thought. Can’t it be said that prior experiences and reasoning based on them influences our current decisions. Yes, it does. So what’s the point?

I guess biggest fault of ours is to say that reason interfears with our emotions, experiences and feelings. It doesn’t.  It acts on them and may have something to say before one engages in similar sensory perceptual acts again. So what’s the fuss? I’ll watch a Wong Kar Wai movie the same way even if I tried dissecting the last movie after watching it. Would it make me enjoy the colors less the next time I watch a Wong Kar Wai movie, if I know now that Christopher Doyle uses vanguard color grading techniques. No! I guess not.

Does it really matters?

One wonders if it’s even worthwhile to think about it. What difference could it make, wondering something knowing that it will make you circle to the same point. Even the question of arguing against the things coming a full circle seems baseless. Things have no ends only useless intersections, always throwing things out out of place, making one believe as if there’s something worthwhile going on.

One wonders, one struggles and one dies. It could be as simple as that but the mind doesn’t believes. It pushes even though it’s there on the edge of the cliff. But still it never falls, always hinges back to something and then sadly that tiny winy of that hinge looks like the base of everything sustainable, though what so ever farce that could be.

Year end post

So another year comes to an end. It’s hard to classify this year with any terms or with any other year of my life. So much happened this year and yet I am at the same place where I was a year back. Nothing eventful happened in worldly terms and yet I am not the same person I was an year back. May be, taking a term from Murakami’s dictionary, I can say that my Elephant factory was at full swing and yet nothing concrete or substantial was produced there. Funny are the worlds of words & thoughts and I was held captive by them.

Year started good with me reading more and more, getting immersed more and more into the worlds of Camus, Kafka, Dostoevsky and Murakami. I got so indulged in that world that my existence almost became a wormhole existence.

Whenever people around me have changed. Be it my school changing or our house shifting or my coming to college after schooling or my job after that. I have always, initially been out of place everywhere with every change. And then after some time I become more at home with the new place and people, more understanding towards them, though can’t say how much they understand me after that time. I have always been conscious of that and some time back I started calling that coming a full circle.

This year I entered more into this world of literature, cinema and philosophy, more concretely this world of art. With every writer and with every director, as I proceeded more into it I got more displaced, not from that world but from reality and people around me, and some how I never came to that good old full circle. May be because of the kind of things I have been following in that world which are most of the time divorced from the reality around me. I have been kind of spiraling instead and getting swallowed more inside like a worm hole.

And so much so that there even was a period of 6-8 days where I almost felt like Gregor Samasa. Almost every day in that period I used to woke up at 6-7 in the morning and then lie there in the bed thinking, if I will become Gregor Samasa today, though I eventually got up every day only to get back to the same place next day. Even I can’t say for sure if I wanted that spell to break or not, at that time.

Then there came another period when I was almost desperate to leave every thing and go to some college and study philosophy or Literature. Then pondered over going abroad for that or choosing some Indian university, also met few philo professors but eventually just couldn’t cross the greatest divide.

In the mean time kept on watching cinema and reading Literature. They were the only lifeline of mine.

Then in the last quarter I had to do some prep for CAT and all, which is partially continuing even now and may take few weeks more. Yeah, CAT..Wondering why? Its just I want to do some entrepreneurial stuff, which I think will keep me close to few things that I like without much bother will also keep the people around me, whom I care for, happy.

So this pretty much sums up the year for me. Yeah, I know I wrote too less abt the books and movies. They actually deserve a big separate post which I will be writing soon.

Well, that all abt the much hyped year end posts.

How fair is that?

Well, whether one believes in God or not, the idea of a creator can’t be ruled out. Yeah one may advocate the Darwinian concept of evolution here but still for it to be functional we still need an earth, a big bang and many other accountable things. But thats not the point here. Point is fairness in life. We all say and understand that life’s unfair but do we really know that how it can be fair, i mean how the concept of fairness can be incorporated in this thing called life and existence.

Ok. lets first get to what we call fair. lets consider an examination, a fair examination, where all get equal time, same questions and same evaluation process. But is it fair? What if we say the conditions for preparation were unfair to him and demand that they should also be same i.e similar books, same teachers and also same hours of study. But then one would ask for same mental and physical conditions, i mean some are born lucky so how can we call it fair. And also many other things like similar social atmosphere, same family condition etc etc will be questioned for.
But this can’t go on and on.
So what’s the solution.

Isn’t a fair test essentially a test of inequality and also that for it to be functional an unfair condition must exist before hand. In a fair test someone is bound to have the fairest of deal among all and someone also the other way round.

Ok then Lets now conduct the test for the 2nd time but while interchanging the preceding conditions for the luckiest and the luckiest person i.e the luckiest person will get all the preconditions of the unluckiest person and vice versa.
Now what do we get. A fair deal. Isn’t it. A fair deal with for both the persons with respect to each other.
Also for the deal to be totally fair both the tests must be isolated from each other i.e none effecting the other and also with both guys not knowing that there will be another test i.e fairness is being provided to then in such manner. Crude but a necessary price for fairness.

Now coming back, we have millions of species on earth all very much different from each other. Some having the worst luck, some having not so bad a deal and there are also humans unarguably the luckiest of them all. And then in each specie there’s again the levels of luck. And this with a common test called life.
So whats the parameter of fairness here?
Yeah you guessed it right. Its rebirth with no knowledge of previous birth.

So to speak if there’s really an intelligent creator, who actually sits up there and has words like fairness in his dictionary then we will be going through this thing, i mean life, again. Sad but fair.

Why its Raining?

As i listen
to the sound
My whole world
spins around

I wonder why
as it thunders so high
It all feels like
a vented out cry

As i scream
thoughts knock and leave
The more i try to see
it all looses its sheen

As it pours by
nothingness hovers the sky
It all washes by
still i feel so dry