Month: May 2006


*kick*…bike starts
*1st gear*
*2nd gear*…

I wonder whether we should be having choices or not.
Is having a choice a good thing?
Doesn’t having a choice actually binds us to something? and the very notion we attach with choices i.e. of moving on our will and doing what we like gets defaulted.
Because if we know what we like and what we need to do then there’s no option of another thing, hence no choice.

Now you may say that at times we have choices we never wish of. And also sometimes we have two options that look almost equal or are very close. So how come No Options fits in.

But these choices arise because we don’t have our priorities defined or don’t understand ourselves correctly or we are confused though never realise .

Going back to first few lines, saying like this has a basic premise that there are many things possible for a human being or a situation but talking particularly about one situation, if we are able to precisely define it, we can find out that one immediate path out of the few one’s possible.

*3rd gear*

Its kinda funny now I have a choice of either going along the way I have been saying but also there’s my dialectic self that’s urging me to pull the ears of the thought from the other side.
But I know I will turn the 2nd way because it’s a particularity of my way. The way things or thoughts go with me.

So what’s happening now is that my one particularity i.e. choice is actually presiding over the other. But will it always go like that. And actually before that the question is whose presiding over whom. My 2nd choice reinforcing my first one or is it 2nd option paving way for the first one.

*5th gear*

Now both choices are doing the same thing. Yeah doing the same thing but by complimenting each other, paving way for each other, like a cycle of day-night-day and neither can exist without each other.

So just as I move a node higher i.e. from where I saw the first two options and as I wait to see 3-4 steps down I see both of them as one and both together are actually the parent choice from which they originated.
So actually choices don’t exist they are basically manifestation of the parent one. And this cycle can go on and on.

On and on till when?…well that’s another question…and right now am contemplating on my choice to change my gear again… and another choice I made apart from going to 4th gear was not minding to make any sense or rather going by the flow instead of going with the obvious…. but now am again changing my gear again cos the bike seems to be getting oftrack.

*4th gear* and V enters the scene

V was working very fast just as the problem arrived at his desk. At first it looked to be familiar and simple. He was quickly through first six steps but now he was stuck. He was not sure what next to try. He thought of few things but nothing looked logical or made him confident enough to proceed. In between he tried few options unsuccessfully. And suddenly it clicked and he was through the next 2 steps and soon he wrapped up the problem.

V didn’t get any problem till the sixth step. Every thing up till that point was logical and sound as per his knowledge. But just as he got stuck several choices sprung up (or may be he conjured them up) in his mind. He chooses and tried few of them and eventually he succeeded.

The point here to note is that till the time he knew perfectly he didn’t had any choice (neither he desired to think of any) but just as he got stuck several choices sprung up (or may be he conjured them up) in his mind. A choice is actually an alternative to something and an alternative means that you are not sure how the thing in first place will turn up. So existence of an alternative i.e. a choice is actually the inadequacy of our knowledge or the byproduct of our confusions.

Lemme put up another example just imagine going from place x to y. If you had been following some route from x to y you will never have to think before taking a turn but just remember the 2nd time you followed that route. You had to think zillion of times before making a turn i.e. u had choice (good, bad whatever) on that 2nd day but not on 200th day. So only difference b/w those two days is knowledge (u may say experience but its again knowledge) and confidence.
So the raison d’être for choice is our own inadequacy of knowledge, our own ill defined priorities, our confusions et al.

Clutch wire breaks and bike slowely comes to a halt….


How i wish..

It was getting late at night. He was lying on his bed and reading something. Though it had been half an hour, he hadn’t gone through even four pages. And now if you had called him then and asked abt the book he was reading, he definitely would have looked at the cover of the book to tell you that. About an hour ago he had seen a TV show based on the life of a legend, a truly great achiever. And the show had kinda made him glance through his own life, his long forgotten dreams, unfullfilled wishes, his everything that was worth remembering.As the memories, impressions, dreams et al. were coming to his mind few desires were getting born, while a few still alive but buried deep down thr were also coming to life. Soon the desires were struggling against one another, or may be for something else which they were quite not sure abt, but were ceaselessly trying to engulf his mind. His mind wandered from one desire to another. Few desires were now at the centrestage, in total dominance of whatever he thought, whatever he was trying to plan. Now it was all becoming a dream, he was fantasizing. Time was flowing like a cool breeze so was he.

Suddenly his eyes started getting strained, the calmness of the moment was gone. His eyes were focused he the three lines that he had been reading from the long neglected book, for the past one minute.

” We desire infinity and we cannot imagine it. How can we expect it to be granted?”

When Forrest Gump stopped..

Yesterday i stopped after a month or so of running. And its now that i have stopped that i realise where i am. How far i have drifted from where i wanted to be.
Instantly somehow everything in myself seems alien to me. Alien because i refuse to accept it. I have no answer to anything that selfquestioning is coming up.
Never realised that sleeping had another benefit. It simply takes you away from ur self questioning self. Yeah that self from which u want to hide ur face but now as i have woken up, as when every one has gone to sleeping. I realise that accepting the reality will only help me reduce the limp in my walk.

Yeah its not the first time that i have stopped like that in the past few months or so. But donno why the heavyness of my head is much larger this time. Earlier i used to assure my self that i may be walking a road i don’t want to but as long as i keep my goals, destination in my mind i will reach thr. And thr’s never a single path for anything in life. yeah i know it looks nice and logical but its a lie, a selfassuring lie that may help u stand up and walk again and but you will again be walking the same path.

I don’t know where i will be when i stop the next time, what i will feel then. And also i don’t want to place any selfassuring lie again. But i will stop again, again to see where i am though i hope i won’t be writing this again.

Just ignore it…

Life is an endless cycle of trivialities that take most of the time and focus of your life..
There are so many things in our lives that we never wished of, but they are always thr, always taking a chunk of our lives….
Ignoring them just looks the only way out….

smbody said ignorance is a bliss but it seems “to ignore” is a greater bliss.